Recreating Our Own Bad Relationships (Over and Over Again)

I was working with a client, reminding myself that the way in which we recreate our own bad relationships leads us into trouble every time. Whether we are in a relationship, between relationships, or eternally single, I think that we recreate similar patterns with different partners or mates, that keep us stuck and recreating the same dysfunction over and over again.

Whether its that we are so committed to chasing a fantasy in our minds, that has little basis in relationship reality, or are so deeply embedded in our fear and insecurity, the power of the past keeps us very much stuck in the present. The problems within our current relationship come to a head, and then we seek out a way to feel better or reduce the pain, sometimes through harmful means such as infidelity, alcohol, pornography, workaholism, gambling, or any number of other outlets. The fact is that we can’t run from the unconscious patterns that we recreate. Only by giving these patterns attention, can we begin to become aware of them and stop insanely perpetuating this madness. 

Looking into the past to see how we have behaved or interacted with former partners, or even a parent for that matter, begin to shed light on the patterns that we currently create. Beginning to become aware and take responsibility for those behavioral patterns is a first step, and through therapy, those patterns will rise to surface and, with work, can be transformed so that energy is freed up for other pursuits. I think that if you could stop fighting with your partner, especially over the same issue time and time again, that you would choose that, and choose more peace in your home. 

We need to start to take a bird’s eye view of our lives, especially in the realm of relationships. If we are controlling, we need to own up to that. If we are based in fear and scared to death that our partner will leave us for someone else, it’s that place that we need to look into. Those things don’t go away, but only accumulate more strength the more they are pushed aside and neglected. I believe it’s easier to commit to blaming the other partner or avoiding things with one of the addictions noted above, but the hard part is to become aware that we have a role in our suffering, find help and start to become aware and take responsibility for changing our situation, our relationships, and our lives.

About Jason

As "The Man That Men Will Talk To," Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC is a private practice counselor and psychotherapist for men and couples in the greater Phoenix, Arizona, area. He works with struggling men to find happiness in their lives, and with their wives.
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