What single guys need to be doing, but aren’t yet

(This article I wrote also appears in the Jewish News of Greater Phoenix, October 10th edition)

Every good general has a battle plan, and, if you’re like my former self, you’ve spent enough time alone waiting for the right date to come around. My friend Jay used to call me the hardest-working dater he knew. (Now I have bestowed that title on him.)

Although I really wasn’t sure how to feel about that honor, I did learn volumes about the dating process, and about myself, in the experiences that I had before I found success. Although there are forces that are sometimes beyond our control (the mysterious and cosmic powers of chemistry, for example), there are things that you can do in preparation for getting a date to improve your chances of finding the partner that you want.

What is essential to consider is this: Do you know exactly who you are looking for? Could you write a fictional profile of the woman that you are looking for, down to the name of her dog and her favorite flavor of ice cream? This may seem extreme, but until you have honed and refined your ideal mate, you widen the gap and allow for a lot of ambiguity and indecision to flow in. What you’re doing is creating the idea of your mate in your mind. Take some time to consider this invitation to create a profile of the woman you want. Identify her personality traits, values, physical features, professional aspirations and hobbies or interests – everything that you can think of. I’ll bet that when you put your ideas on paper, you’ll find out much more than you thought you would, and the results may surprise you.

Second, how is your networking “presence”? Do you set yourself up to meet as many ideal women as you can? The Internet – whether that’s JDateMatch.com or any other Web site – can be a great tool, but if that’s the only place you’re looking, you’re limiting yourself. Once you have done the first step of writing your profile, you’ll familiarize yourself with the places and settings where your ideal date will be, whether that’s at a film club, at Papago Park doing some hiking or at a yoga class. (Hint: Guys, go do yoga right now – if you’re not already. You’ll get a great workout, find tranquillity and meet women all at once).

Third, and this is important because it’s the hardest, how will you convey interest in her when you meet her socially? Will you walk the plank and take the risk of approaching her when you find her?

I will share with you my philosophy about kamikaze dating: Act fearless and summon the strength to go over to her even though your fear tells you not to (the girls without the wedding bands, of course). Your kamikaze mantra will become this: “There is nothing that I can say or do now that will kill me,” to borrow from Friedrich Nietzsche.

Unless you are a total bumbling idiot and drool or speak incoherently, she will appreciate your summoning the strength to go over to her, even if she doesn’t show interest back. Let me ask you this way: Do you want to live with the regret of not approaching her and the fantasy of “what if it did happen?” What could you be missing out on because you colluded with the fear inside of yourself instead of taking the risk?

For those less brazen souls, be everywhere you can where there is the possibility of meeting someone special. Don’t be shy if you really want it, and if you want it, you need to place yourself where you have better odds. Being at home obviously lowers the odds quite a bit more than being out where your date will be.

Next article, we’ll talk about how to create success while on “The Date” itself, and how to get her interested in you and on your side in no time. Stay tuned.

About Jason

As "The Man That Men Will Talk To," Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC is a private practice counselor and psychotherapist for men and couples in the greater Phoenix, Arizona, area. He works with struggling men to find happiness in their lives, and with their wives.
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