Are You Reading Her Mind (As You Should Be?!)

It shouldn’t be that hard for you to understand: you should know exactly what she wants, when she wants it from you, even when she doesn’t come out and tell you about it. Understand? I thought not.

Reading her mind, or at least attempting to and failing miserably, is something that men have a hard time mastering, and rightly so. Men and women do communicate very differently, and, many times, couples I work with (and, yes, yours truly) fail to communicate based on assumptions rooted in the age-old practice of female mind-reading. 

You’re supposed to understand that a woman wants to be loved, validated and touched affectionately without her telling you, at least according to her. This is a common trap for many guys to fall into, and I see a lot of men beat themselves up, ram their heads against the wall over and over again, or simply throw their hands up in utter confusion and anguish. I don’t want this to happen to you, my friend.

So, we know that she wants those things listed above, but how and when are key unanswered questions. She may assume that you know what she wants, and know how to go about giving it to her without any coaching or guidance at all. Untrue. 

I think that instinct is a combination of knowing intuitively and assimilation of past experiences. To sharpen your instinct, to know what she wants from you and being able to deliver, does require practice, like riding a bike. You cannot just automatically know when she wants her shoulders rubbed, or when she wants you to tell her that she is beautiful. It just won’t happen (if you fall into the “most guys” category) unless your communication is sharpened and honed to be able to get the information that you need from your woman. Without the information, it’s like hardware trying to run without the software – it’ll get you nowhere. 

Once practiced, through constant communication and trial-and-error, your instinct to know what your woman wants will be sharper, and you will become more aware of what she is trying to say. It is her responsibility to precisely communicate with you what it is that she wants and needs down to the smallest detail, and you can help her and yourself by communicating your confusion and frustration with wanting to give to her what she wants or needs, and not knowing how to go about doing that.

This takes practice, as well as two committed and aware relationship partners that share a common goal of relationship success. It’s difficult to do this when it is one-sided – when only one partner is doing the work, and the other one thinks it’s the problem of their partner solely. It requires that both drop their defenses temporarily, and really hear and listen to the other and what they need and feel. Writing these things down, and posting them in a visible part of the house, such as the bedroom or on the fridge, will help remind you daily of those wants and needs that you both have. It’ll take the confusion and the assumptions out of this project, which will start to create a lot more peace in your relationship. Just watch and see. Try it out and let the good times roll in.

About Jason

As "The Man That Men Will Talk To," Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC is a private practice counselor and psychotherapist for men and couples in the greater Phoenix, Arizona, area. He works with struggling men to find happiness in their lives, and with their wives.
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