I’m aware of this contingent of men who are in marriages and who are having feelings for other men, or who are interested in exploring same-sex relationships, whether that’s an emotional relationship with another man, a sexual relationship or a full-out committed relationship.
The issues becomes twofold: first, these men need to deal with the emotional confusion that comes with being attracted to another man, yet feeling ashamed or resistant to admitting that to themselves, let alone their wives or girlfriends. Second, the issue of infidelity is just as pertinent to the discussion, as many times, women end up discovering their guy’s penchant for other men in an inadvertent way – maybe from visited web sites, or from phone calls, or maybe from gay-related materials (such as porn or community magazines) that they find there guy to have brought home.
These issues can be explored in counseling, but it’s important to differentiate the two issues, and understand that they are linked. To differentiate them is to peel them away from one another, as hard as this may be, because the confusion of lumping them together creates more pain, confusion and reactivity in both partners.
It can be extraordinarily difficult for straight men to come to admit that they have strong feelings for other men (whether those are emotional or sexual feelings), as well as admit to themselves that they have possibly wasted time living with their wife of x years, and experiencing the guilt that comes from not being honest about who they are to themselves or their wife.The fear of admitting to themselves their own truth is sometimes debilitating, especially when these guys fear that they will lose their whole lives as they know it.