Raise the Red Flag! How to Chase Women Away While Dating

Through many conversations with women and dating coaches, stories of disgruntled men trying to keep dates going with a woman often come up. Guys try their hardest, think things are going well, and then – bam – it’s over.  “How did that happen? Things were going so well?” you might ask yourself. Or, “She seems to have just kind of lost interest in me.” The dating post-mortem is usually difficult to assess: “was it something I did?” “Did she seem to like me?” “Did I see the signs?” “Was there just no “chemistry?”

Dating is hard enough without shooting yourself in the foot first. There are different behaviors that us guys can unknowingly get into – between dates one and the end – that drive disgruntled women away. So, first off, knowing what these behaviors are is one thing; taking a look in the mirror, and working to change some of these possibly repellant behaviors is something else.

The early dating stages are a testy time. They’re like a petri-dish, and it’s a process of observation to see if there will be relationship germination. Wouldn’t it be great if you could control some of the factors involved in it’s growth (and, no, I don’t think you’re bacteria).

Let’s take a look at some of those red flag raising behaviors. In the spirit of promoting more successful dating for men, here are the most repugnant ways guys chase women away while dating (or the “what not to do” list).

  • Saying or doing controlling things to her
  • Talking about or (joking about) proposing in the early dating rounds
  • Talking about your ex-wife or girlfriend constantly
  • Invalidating your new date, by joking about/being sarcastic about what she’s wearing, how she looks, her hair, etc.
  • Thinking you’re in a relationship with her, and she’s not thinking this way. Not accurately gauging the right time to check it out with her to see if her feelings match.
  • Inviting yourself to her activities
  • Wanting to get in with her people immediately (i.e. asking if you can meet family, friends)
  • Turning into someone else around other people: the “social chameleon” (as my friend calls it)
  • Treating service staff at restaurants poorly (this is an obvious no-no)
  • Constantly needing to boast or puff yourself, your accomplishments, your car, your wealth up
  • Smothering her: this can take take many forms – if she distances herself, you can be sure this smothering instinct might be activated and set on “stun”.
  • Asking about her guy friends, in order to assess for “mate poachers” (you know, other dudes who want to steal your girl)
  • General narcissism: “it’s all about me”
  • Not asking about her, or “it’s all about me”
  • Talking about yourself constantly, or “it’s all about me” (seeing a trend here?)
  • Working way too hard (if she’s not interested) in the beginning stages (overly nice guys need to watch this one)
    • Examples include, but are not limited to:
      • Putting together furniture
      • Helping her move
      • Offering child care to her kids
  • Trying to be a “husband” too quickly (but then bailing out on the promises you made)
  • Not working through previous relationship issues, or rebounding, which will totally bleed onto your behavior with her.
  • Wanting to have her meet your kids too early/wanting to meet hers.
  • Wanting to talk about your feelings too early: premature disclosure
  • Asking for a sleep over too early, or physical affection too early when she’s not ready
  • Poor boundaries: a blanket red flag encompassing a lot of behaviors.
  • Asking her to meet your friends, family, coworkers too early
  • Overtexting, or e-mailing her constantly, usually before she’s had a chance to respond.
  • Asking about her previous relationships too early (not good!)

There are surely 1,001 other red flags we could talk about, but I tried to come up with the big ones for you. These, at the worst, could communicate to her that you’re a stalker, and at the least, could communicate that your psychological or emotional issues have gotten the best of you and there’s emotional seepage. If that’s the case, seek some help for the things that may be undermining your chances of dating success, because you don’t know what you don’t know.

Women do enjoy nice dinners and fun companionship, and are attracted to these things, but they’re more repelled by red flag behaviors. Consider if you might be doing some of these things, and make the changes that will help fortify your successful dating practice.


 

About Jason

As "The Man That Men Will Talk To," Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC is a private practice counselor and psychotherapist for men and couples in the greater Phoenix, Arizona, area. He works with struggling men to find happiness in their lives, and with their wives.
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