Stop Sabotaging Yourself

Whether in relationships, at work, or with oneself, there are a multitude of ways to sabotage yourself from getting what you want in your life.

In undermining our own success, we set up scenarios in which we fail, or hold ourselves back unconsciously from what we really want, often out of negative emotions or beliefs that fail to hold up under scrutiny in the real world. In effect, we hold ourselves back, and often don’t know how we do.

If you think you self-sabotage yourself, might any of these things characterize your behavior?

  • Constantly beat up on yourself
  • Let yourself believe the negative or worst case scenario
  • Let others decide for you, including women
  • Succumb to and make decisions out of fear
  • Prevent relationships from developing because you’ve got walls, armor, or other barriers that keep others out

Lacking in self-support and inner resources, those men who self-sabotage seem to constantly make decisions that are bad for them, or at the least, make them deviate from their own path to success in life.

What does self-sabotage look like?

  • Believing you’re no good, or worthless, and then choosing behaviors that align with that belief, like being underemployed, choosing a wife or girlfriend who likes you “enough”
  • Not having confidence in yourself and your abilities to have success, whether as successful relationships, good self-esteem, or in one’s professional aspirations
  • Attacking others in our lives, and those close to us, because we hide, protect ourselves and fend off from really showing others our genuineness and authentic self.
  • Not moving forward, staying stuck, or failing to make good decisions, out of fear of failure, fear of success, low self-esteem, or any number of other reasons.

People are attracted to those guys who are confident and not at war with themselves. Self-saboteurs are in a war with themselves, so it’s going to be difficult to attract healthy, growth-oriented people into the realm or the self-saboteur. Even if we say that we want them in our lives, we may be attracting the wrong kinds of people, whether those be women, jobs, friends or the like.

To want health is different from attracting health: if we’re still at war with ourselves, we end up attracting others (read: intimate partners) that conspire in our self-abuse. And that’s not what we want for ourselves. That’s not how we see our lives as healthy and growth-promoting.

What can you do to stop the saboteur in you?

  1. Develop self-support: start a new relationship with yourself by being kind to yourself, getting to know yourself more and work at easing up on yourself.
  2. Practice being genuine with others, even if that means letting them inside your fortress a bit
  3. Tame the self-critic: Get counseling, journal, channel your anger in other, more productive outlets, get physical exercise, and try meditation to focus the mind. You need to admit to yourself that you and your self-critic are different entities, and that you’re at war with him. most people don’t see this or admit it, and it’s the first step to becoming whole.
  4. Understand how you sabotage yourself, Whether through anger, fear, jealousy, insecurity or inferiority. Maybe it’s a mix, or maybe it’s all of them together.
  5. Seek out the support of others: Attract heathy people into your life that support your journey of health, not enable it or undermine your health. Yeah, we’ve all got people in our lives that feed the self-sabotaging we do, so reconsider some of those relationships through this process.



About Jason

As "The Man That Men Will Talk To," Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC is a private practice counselor and psychotherapist for men and couples in the greater Phoenix, Arizona, area. He works with struggling men to find happiness in their lives, and with their wives.
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