Good Men Lying, and Eroding Trust

Lying and trust building cancel each other out in relationships. For the men who get into patterns of lying, it’s frustrating and confusing to know that their partner finds them lying to be more than they really might be, and trusting them less than they would like to be trusted.

For women, trust is such a huge component to a healthy relationship, and when they catch their partner in a lie, this starts to chip away at that trusting foundation. I think there’s a difference between white lying and chronic, religious lying. It’s the chronic lying that I’m focusing on in this article.

It’s hard to trust a liar, because you can never take them at their word. The recipient always feels duped, confused, or just plain stupid for believing the supposed truth that they’ve gotten from the liar.

For the liars, lying usually triggers a domino pattern of lying. One lie begets the next, and then these guys find themselves in a spiral of lies, forgetting which lie was produced before. Unless you’ve got a photographic memory, or really good personal assistant, juggling lies will lead to an inevitable cracking the armor, and the truth usually gets exposed in one way or another.

Lying about being with other women, or even talking intimately with other women, is probably one of the worst damaging factors to a healthy relationship. Lying be considered an avoidance strategy, or a way to not deal with the problems you’re facing. It can be also a way to avoid the truth, because the truth could be too upsetting for either you or your partner.

Some men are afraid of the truth. They think unconsciously that a lie will produce a softer response from the partner. Often times, conflict avoidant men will employ lies to deal with their wives or girlfriends, fearing a verbal and emotional explosion from their partner. these men are afraid of upsetting anyone, and use lying to promote their conflict avoidance, all the while not dealing with the very real issues. learning to work to the fear of telling the truth might be work you would consider doing in counseling or therapy.

Sometimes, lying can also alleviate other negative emotions, like inferiority, pain, or fear of speaking the truth. It may seem like a harder road to get to the truth, but, if you’re looking for long-term relationship investment advice, I would go with truth. It depends on if you value a trustworthy relationship or not, and would be important to look at how are you contributing to attaining that value in your marriage work relationship.

Things to consider if you’re stuck in a pattern of lying:

  • What do you get out of lying?
  • What are the repercussions if you tell the truth?
  • If you end up lying, do you notice if it creates a domino effect of lies? How do you deal with that?
  • Are you avoiding problems or issues that come up with the person you’re lying to?
  • Are you conflict avoidance? Does lying help alleviate the stress of conflict?
  • Do you value a trustworthy relationship? If so, how might your lying not coincide with that value?
  • Do others see you as trustworthy, or, do this to you is not trustworthy?

If lying is damaging your otherwise good relationship, try counseling to help you unearth the reasons behind the lying. Contact me directly through this website. I have experience working with lying, and can help turn around your relationship before the trust gets too damaged.


About Jason

As "The Man That Men Will Talk To," Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC is a private practice counselor and psychotherapist for men and couples in the greater Phoenix, Arizona, area. He works with struggling men to find happiness in their lives, and with their wives.
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