Learning to Listen Instead of Immediately Trying to Solve Things
Listening is one of the most powerful skills you can develop in your personal and professional life. Yet, many of us are quick to jump into problem-solving mode when someone shares a difficulty or struggle.
As a therapist, I see this frequently with the men and couples I work with: the natural instinct to fix things rather than listen fully. However, learning to pause and truly listen can lead to deeper understanding, stronger relationships, and a more compassionate response.
The Power of Listening
Gestalt therapy, which I am trained in, emphasizes the importance of being present in the moment. This means focusing entirely on the other person, not on what you think they need or on how you can “make it better.”
When a partner or friend opens up about something troubling them, it can feel uncomfortable not to immediately offer solutions. However, this immediate response often shuts down deeper conversations and does not allow the person to truly process their emotions.
In Gestalt therapy, we aim to gain awareness of the present experience. Instead of thinking ahead to the solution, we encourage both the speaker and the listener to remain connected to the here and now. This allows space for emotions, thoughts, and needs to emerge organically.
Why Do We Want to Solve Problems Immediately?
It is common for people, especially men, to feel the urge to solve problems right away. This can stem from societal pressures to be “the fixer” or from an inherent desire to avoid discomfort. When someone shares a problem, it can feel like a challenge that needs to be addressed.
However, problem-solving can often feel like dismissing the emotional weight of a situation. The person opening up might not need or want a solution; they might just want to be heard. By offering solutions too quickly, we risk skipping over their feelings, which can lead to them feeling frustrated or disconnected.
The Difference Between Listening and Solving
Listening is about being present and receptive. It involves letting the other person speak their truth without fear of judgment or interruption. When we are truly listening, we are focused on understanding the speaker’s experience and emotions.
Solving things, on the other hand, is often driven by the desire to resolve discomfort quickly. While offering advice can be helpful at times, it should come after allowing the other person to share their full experience. This lets them feel validated in their emotions, which is often more important than finding an immediate solution.
Ideas to Improve Your Listening Skills
Resist the Urge to Fix: Notice when you start formulating solutions in your head. Instead, just stay present and wait until the person finishes expressing themselves.
Reflect Back: Show that you are listening by paraphrasing or summarizing what you’ve heard. This not only confirms your understanding but also helps the other person feel heard.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage further exploration by asking questions like, “How did you respond when they said that?” or “What do you feel like you need right now?”
Allow Silence: Sometimes, silence is powerful. It gives both of you time to process thoughts and feelings. Don’t rush to fill the space.
Learn to Strengthen Your Connections
Learning to listen instead of immediately jumping to solutions is a skill that can greatly improve relationships. Whether you are working with a partner or communicating with colleagues, allowing space for the other person to be heard creates a deeper level of trust. In Gestalt therapy, we prioritize this type of listening, and it is incredibly beneficial for couples and men who often feel pressured to be the “problem solver.”
If you are struggling with communication in your relationships, it may be time to work with a couples therapist like me to learn how listening more deeply could strengthen your connections. Visit my contact page to schedule an appointment easily today!
