When One Partner Wants Out: How Discernment Therapy Brings Clarity
In every long-term relationship, couples face challenges. Sometimes those difficulties run so deep that one partner starts to question whether the relationship should even continue. When one person has one foot out of the relationship and the other is desperately trying to keep both feet in, it can create a painful imbalance.
In these moments, traditional couples therapy may not be the best starting point. Instead, discernment therapy can offer a focused, short-term process that helps both partners gain clarity about the next steps they should take. Let’s learn more about how discernment therapy can help bring clarity when one partner wants out of the relationship.
Understanding Discernment Therapy
Discernment therapy was developed specifically for couples who are on the brink of separation or divorce, especially in cases where one partner is experiencing mixed feelings about their partner or relationship. In traditional couples counseling, both people are assumed to be equally motivated to work on the relationship. Discernment therapy recognizes that one partner may not be emotionally committed to change just yet.
Discernment therapy is a short-term, structured process. It usually lasts between one and five sessions. The overall goal of this approach or therapy is to bring clarity and confidence to a decision about the future of the relationship. The therapist serves as a neutral guide, helping each partner reflect individually and together, without pressuring anyone in either direction.
How It Works
Discernment therapy involves both individual and joint conversations. The therapist spends time with each partner one-on-one during the session to explore their personal experience in the relationship, the reasons they’re leaning in or leaning out, their level of commitment to the relationship, and how they’ve contributed to the current issues. This process allows each partner to speak freely without feeling the need to defend their feelings to the other.
The therapist then brings the couple together to reflect on what they’ve learned and consider their next steps. By the end of the discernment process, couples typically choose one of three paths:
Status quo: On this path, couples don’t take action to change the relationship.
Separation: This means choosing to respectfully end the relationship with greater clarity.
Couples therapy: Both partners agree to fully engage in therapy for a set period. During this period, divorce is off the table as they work through any issues.
Why It Matters
When couples jump straight into traditional counseling while one person is half out the door, progress can stall or create even more resentment. Discernment therapy provides a safer, more effective starting point. It validates each person’s feelings and gives space for honest exploration without the pressure to fix things too quickly.
It also helps avoid a rushed or regrettable breakup. Some couples discover through discernment that there’s still something worth fighting for. Others gain the peace of knowing they’ve truly examined their relationship before deciding to part ways. In the end, discernment therapy reduces confusion, conflict, and emotional damage. It replaces uncertainty with intention.
Find Clarity Before You Decide
It can be a painful crossroads when one partner wants out and the other wants to hold on, but it doesn’t have to be chaotic or rushed. You both deserve the chance to understand what’s really happening in your relationship before making a life-altering decision.
Discernment therapy offers a path forward. This may not necessarily mean moving forward together, but you and your partner will each move forward with clarity, respect, and integrity.
If you’re in this difficult place, don’t try to navigate it alone. Reach out to a licensed therapist trained in discernment counseling. A few focused sessions could provide the clarity you need to make the right choice for both of you. The first step is simply starting the conversation. Reach out today to get started.
About the Author
Christian Bumpous, LMFT, LPC is a licensed mental health therapist and founder of Therapie, Nashville’s leading destination for busy professionals seeking to thrive in life, work, and relationships. Christian specializes in helping professionals navigate life transitions, improve relationships, and overcome challenges like depression and anxiety. With a tailored approach that meets the unique needs of high-performing individuals, he offers therapy sessions in both English and German, available in-person or online.
