Why You're Attracted to Codependent Relationships

Many people say they want a healthy relationship, yet find themselves time and again falling into unhealthy relationship habits. Codependency is a common problem many individuals face. Codependency is when a person belongs to a one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. This issue is also known as “love addiction” or “relationship addiction” because breaking out of this type of negative relationship cycle can be difficult.

Signs you’re in a codependent relationship

There are a variety of behaviors and warning signs of a codependent relationship. Below are a few common signs of codependency to be aware of when you’re in a relationship.

• People-pleasing
  People-pleasing is a common characteristic of a codependent personality. Saying “no” to a partner causes people with codependency to feel anxious. This anxiety can cause a person in a relationship to continually sacrifice their wants and needs in favor of their partner’s desires because they don’t feel like they can say “no.”
  

• Lack of boundaries
  Healthy limitations on time, energy, and emotions can help you maintain good relationships and fortify your personal wellbeing. Codependent people tend to have blurry or fragile boundaries in place. Codependency can make a person give, and give, and give, but they never get anything back.
  

• Low self-esteem
  Codependent people often have low self-esteem. They turn to their partner for encouragement and support all of the time because they don’t trust their own judgment. In some sense, these people also gain self-esteem from taking care of the person who is sucking up all of their energy. This is because they feel useful when taking care of another person. 

Reasons you’re attracted to a codependent relationship

Codependent relationships are often caused by dysfunctional family dynamics. People who grow up in a home where a parent is emotionally unavailable find themselves in codependent relationships when they’re older. Codependent behavior is often learned or imitated from watching other family members at a young age. For example, suppose your mother/father was unreliable growing up because of addiction or another issue. In that case, you may have taken on the caregiver role by putting your parent’s needs first. As an adult, this same dynamic plays out in your romantic relationships. By repeatedly placing the needs and desires of others before your own, it’s easy to lose contact with your real needs and even your sense of self. 

What a healthy relationship looks like

Codependency can keep you from developing a healthy, stable relationship. If previous experience is all you have to go on, however, you might not know what a healthy relationship looks like. A few characteristics of a good relationship include trust, communication, and an independent sense of self. 

Trust is a strong sign of a healthy relationship. You and your partner should trust each other to be honest and open. Secrets do nothing but damage a partnership and create suspicion. It’s about more than just not keeping secrets, though. It’s knowing your partner makes you feel safe, and you can trust they won’t hurt you emotionally or physically. 

Communication is another aspect of a good relationship. You should be able to openly discuss concerns and problems with your partner in addition to positive news. It’s not healthy to hide all of your stress and frustrations from your significant other. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing this side of yourself, then it’s usually a sign of a deeper problem.

Finally, you should have a sense of yourself as a separate person. Interdependence is the term you want to shoot for when describing your relationship. An interdependent relationship is when you and your partner give each other mutual support but still maintain your identity as an individual. In this way, your self-esteem will not rely as heavily on the approval of your partner.

Seeking help for codependency

Treating codependent behavior is certainly possible, it just takes a little work. Overcoming this condition usually involves exploring childhood experiences and rooting out the core patterns associated with the behavior. Therapy is recommended when handling codependency issues because the behavior and personality traits have been ingrained since childhood, and it can be difficult to change the negative behaviors you’ve learned over the years by yourself. If you’re interested in learning more about codependency and how to start a healthy relationship, then check out my counseling page for more information.