Counseling For Nice Guys
Are you the guy who will give others the shirt off your back and not ask for anything in return? On the flip side, do you find yourself choosing women who take advantage of you, and then feel used and angry as a result? Are you concerned that this everyday people-pleasing holds you back in life?
A “nice guy” is the kind of man who prioritizes others’ needs to the exclusion of his own. Nice guys habitually push aside their own needs, which ultimately leads to a bitter mix of resentment, guilt, and other negative feelings.
Frustrated nice guys are left wondering what they’re doing to continue this cycle and end up alone. They feel used by relationship partners, and unable to set healthy boundaries. You might find yourself in one-sided relationships by attracting withdrawn, emotionally unavailable women who you see yourself as trying to rescue.
People-pleasers tend to be highly conflict avoidant, and attempt to “keep the peace” at all costs. They give and give, without getting back, and exhaust themselves in the process. You may act out of obligation rather than meeting your own wants and needs, but wear a happy face while doing so, even if you're upset inside.
In general, you may be dependent on others for validation, and mold yourself into what you think others want for the sake of your own validation and self-worth. Because you feel sensitive to others’ feelings, you’re easily hurt by their criticisms of you.
I can help you learn to prioritize and communicate your own needs, and worry less about what others think of you.
People-Pleasing Is Learned
Where did your impulse for people-pleasing originate? Rather than functioning as a personal flaw, you likely learned these habits while growing up. You may have begun to unconsciously internalize the belief that you are unworthy of companionship or respect, or that you’re unloveable at your core. You might think that your dating relationships or partners won’t like or want you as you are without your constantly pleasing them and working for their affection.
You might feel hopeless and stuck thinking that this is just who you are. In reality, this is not the case — despite how true these beliefs may feel. People-pleasing isn’t a life sentence.
With the help of a compassionate, experienced men’s therapist who has been in the same circumstances, you can get back to feeling stronger and more in control of your life. This is a habit you can kick.
Negative beliefs about oneself are really common for people pleasers, and you can learn how to build positive self-esteem and improve your ability to communicate your needs to others.
Learn to Trust Your Own Voice and Stand Up For Yourself
In our work together, you can develop confidence, and improve your self-esteem. Together, we’ll help you learn how to trust your deeper inner voice, and quiet your negative self-critic. You will grow accustomed to making clearer decisions for yourself, more quickly, as you recognize what you want. We’ll look at the negative beliefs you harbor about yourself, and remove those road blocks. You will achieve a more functional, optimal life.
You see how you can’t earn the respect of others by constantly catering to them. During our sessions, I will help you learn how to validate yourself. People will be attracted to you because you like yourself, and those that want your people-pleasing approach to friendship may fall out of your life.
You can learn to end your passive-aggressive ways, and begin to express yourself, including your frustration and resentment, without fear of rejection. We’ll work together to develop your inner voice, consider road blocks or barriers to communication, and focus on the tensions in your body where you’ve pushed away your emotions. Gradually you will confront people with more ease and assurance, you will stand up for yourself with healthier assertiveness, and you will learn to confidently say “no” to others without feeling that you’re letting them down.
We will work to lessen any anxiety and depression which is directly tied to people-pleasing. We’ll explore how you’ve shut down particular needs and feelings, and help you learn to safely express and communicate these things without pushing them down, or pushing others away in the process.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be a likable guy AND get your needs met?
At Phoenix Men’s Counseling, over the years we’ve seen people-pleasing behaviors turn around as a result of counseling, and helped men create the lives and relationships they want for themselves.
I know how to help “nice guys,” because I’m a recovering nice guy myself. Believe me, I’ve been there like you. I understand how it is to have pushed my own needs aside, and succumbed to the pressure of others’ needs in trying to be loved by everybody. And I can tell you this: being a nice guy doesn’t work in the long run. I finally learned how to get my needs met, become assertive, and stop worrying about what others thought of me — and I’d like to help you do that for yourself.
Through therapy, I have helped many guys stand up for themselves, exhibit healthy aggression, and end their self-defeating people-pleasing behaviors for good. They’ve broken the pattern of bad relationships and replaced them with healthier, more productive ones.
I love the process of seeing nice guys make these needed changes in their lives. I want to see you succeed and develop yourself. I welcome you to take the first step in starting your nice guy or people-pleasing counseling work.
“I’ve never done counseling before. Will it really help me?”
Counseling for nice guys can help you work through issues that you might have taken for granted. It can help you break unhealthy relationship patterns, such as attracting the type of mate or partner that hasn’t been right for you. It does take consistency and real effort on your part, but will often lead to sizable changes and remarkable outcomes that positively improve the rest of your life.
“Counseling is expensive. I’m not sure I want to spend the money doing it.”
Counseling is an investment in yourself. If you’ve been dealing with nice guy issues for a long time, you might be overwhelmed with the process, and not want to spend money on something that you think might not help you. Ask yourself if you can afford to keep going at your current pace without working on the issues that keep you from having the life that you want.
You may be pleasantly surprised at the doors that open for you once you’ve started. A lot of nice guys say that they’ve been able to get raises or promotions at work once they’ve learned to stand up for themselves. In many ways, counseling can pay for itself. For some men, it allows them to finally find the relationship they’ve been waiting their entire lives for. I’m focused on positive outcomes for you, and we will work together to ensure you’re getting the most for your money.
“What if I learn to be assertive, and it ends my current relationship?”
This is a great question. At times, changes from counseling can disrupt and even end a relationship when your partner has become comfortable with the current one-sided relationship situation. Because your partner can no longer take from you in an unhealthy way, or treat you in ways that are hurt you, they might express resentment and you may ultimately choose to leave them.
But, maybe that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes unhealthy relationships need to end, and it might allow you to finally break the cycle of attracting partners that aren’t right for you. Through counseling, you can learn better, healthier relationship patterns that can attract the person who IS right for you.
You can feel confident without validation from others!
If you’re ready to get started, or if you’d like to chat first, I invite you to contact us today to discuss your unique issues. You can also book an intake appointment online if you’re ready to start today.
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